


Midnight Feast

by justahappylittletree



Series: Carpe Diem [1]
Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Bisexual King Charlie Dalton, Crushes, First Kiss, Fluff, Food, Love Confessions, M/M, Minor DPS members, they're gay your honour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:00:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28057263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justahappylittletree/pseuds/justahappylittletree
Summary: He isn't going to go over history tonight. Neither is Neil. They are going to have a midnight feast in the cave, just the two of them.Some fluff, food and hopeless crushing on Todd's part.
Relationships: Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Series: Carpe Diem [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2076837
Comments: 26
Kudos: 138





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I wrote this instead of sleeping. I regret nothing.

"Latin study group tonight, you coming Todd?" 

Todd bristles inside at the offer. Being included? Not something he's used to. Even after the past few months, with all the meetings and classes and study nights. 

"Sorry Meeks, I've got some history stuff I'd like to go over." He manages to splutter, looking down at his plate. Today's meatloaf is looking particularly jelly-like. He pokes at a congealed edge with his fork cautiously.

"Suit yourself," Meeks doesn't bat an eye, "Neil can't come either. Says he needs to do more history too. Maybe you guys can have your own study group, right?" Meeks is all friendly smiles and then he gets swept into conversation with Charlie about something to do with Pythagoras. Protagoras? It didn't matter.

Todd helps himself to the dish of peas, trying to hold down a smile. He can't look up at Neil across the table. Can't look up at that know-all grin. That face. Todd hastily digs in, head down. 

He isn't going to go over history tonight. Neither is Neil. They are going to have a midnight feast in the cave, just the two of them.

Todd smiles a little, looks up and- shit! He looks back down again, half choking on a bite of meatloaf. He can almost see Neil's stupid grin still, from here.

"You alright Todd?" Knox asks, patting him on the back.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine." Todd says, his eyes tearing up, "Just want to finish up. Got a lot of history to look over." He stifles a grin and goes back to finishing his food.

* * *

"You've got a lot of history to go over? I can't believe they actually bought that!" Neil laughs, doubled over, his face bearing that stupid grin.

"In my defense, you were staring-"

"You should have seen your face!" Neil leans forward and swats Todd's knee, still laughing. Todd wonders if the crackle of electricity that just jolted down the base of his spine is just the shivers. It _is_ cold after all.

The two of them are sitting in the cave, opposite one another. The God of the Cave, as Neil calls it, is stuffed to one side. They couldn't get a fire going so they're both bundled in cloaks and blankets. Between them, on the floor, Neil has laid his coat.

"Show me your goods, since you didn't stop bragging about them since-" Todd- already praying Neil can't see the colour that's rising in his face- is stunned.

Neil has unfolded his coat to reveal a feast unlike any other: there's dinner rolls and bran cookies and apples like they have at every meeting, stolen into pockets from the dinner table. Then there's luminous grapes, small squares of cake slathered in chocolate, glinting olives, chunks of chocolate squares, peaches with the fuzz standing up, triangle egg and tomato sandwiches and one singular glorious crowning orange. A feast fit for a king.

"Neil, I...I-" Todd's words get caught up in his throat, all crowding to get out at once, "Where did you get all of this?" The fancy cake? The fresh fruit that isn't just soft apples? Sandwiches?

"Mr Anderson, you know if I told you that I'd have to kill you myself." Neil draws in his best Marlon Brando, grabbing an olive, tossiing it up and catching it in his mouth with a delighted hoot. "Now eat up! Eat up!"

Todd is still sitting with his mouth wide open. Wide enough for the flies to come in, as Charlie would say. It's like the picnics he would have as a boy, in the summers near the creek when his mother would have leftovers from tea parties and the wind would ruffle through the grass like-

"What is it? Don't you like it?" Neil's voice is back to normal. Soft. _Nervous_ , even. His breath condenses in the air. It is cold out here. His brown eyes are huge and Todd wonders if he could get lost if he looked into them long enough.

"No. No of course not! I love it! I just," Todd tries to keep his voice soft, tries not to burst into a declaration of his feelings and every single emotion that's coursing through him right now, "I'm just surprised. Peaches! Olives! I wasn't expecting it. All I brought was this."

He fishes the single lousy toffee stick out of his pocket and puts it on the coat, next to Neil's treasures. Is that dust stuck to it? Or lint from his pocket? 

"Oh Todd, why, this is the best part of the whole feast," Once again, Neil is grinning that grin that says he's about to make Todd laugh, "Which is why, it's all mine now." He grabs it and bites into it, then splutters, laughing, "Oh, is that toffee? Tastes like the inside of Nolan's shoes!"

The embarrassment lifts off Todd's shoulders a little. Neil finished the toffee stick, just for dramatics, he chokes it down and clasps his hands together.

"Let's start this midnight feast already!"

Somehow, they really end up eating all of it. Todd didn't know it was possible to eat this many tiny sandwiches. The olives make his tongue prickle with their bitter taste. They halve the orange between them. The juice coats Todd's face, makes his fingers sticky.

"I haven't had a picnic like this since I was a kid!" He laughs. 

"Oh really?"

Todd tells Neil all about it. The grassy knoll next to the family house where he could be alone. The way he used to stuff his face and watch the clouds roll on by, not a worry in the world. No family. No one forgetting he exists. No one to tell him that he should be like his brother. Just peace.

"What? Why are you looking at me like that?" Todd laughs, even though his insides have knotted themselves momentarily. Neil's face is odd- tender and solemn and full of something? Affection?

"That sounds beautiful...and uh, who's ready for some poetry!" Neil pulls the Four Centuries of Verse from under his cloak like a magician, theatrically opening the cover. 

"Ahem, shall we?"

 _I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately, I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life! To put to rout all that was not life, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived._ They say it together in one breath, recited off like they've known it their whole lives. Maybe they have.

_"If I were loved, as I desire to be,  
What is there in the great sphere of the earth  
And range of evil between death and birth,  
That I should fear, -if I were loved by thee."_

Neil reads, not looking at the book. He looks directly at Todd who is frozen like a duck in a winter pond.

_"T'were joy, not fear, claspt hand-in-hand with thee,  
To wait for death--mute--careless of all ills,  
Apart upon a mountain, tho' the surge  
Of some new deluge from a thousand hills  
Flung leagues of roaring foam into the gorge  
Below us, as far on as eye could see."_

Neil is breathless. Maybe he's cold, Todd thinks desperately. Boy, were the stars really studding the black canvas of the sky through that little hole in the ceiling. 

"Milton?" He asks lowly.

"Tennyson." Neil smiles ruefully. 

"It was," Todd clears his throat, "beautiful."

Maybe the red in his cheeks isn't that noticable. The red in Neil's certainly is.

"Yeah, well," Neil scoffs quietly, "Just my reading talent."

Silence nestles between them delicately. You can do it now, Todd thinks, you could do it now. His heart is pounding in his chest so hard it might jump right out onto the cave floor. Kiss him. Kiss him Todd. Don't be a sissy, just do it.

"You know Todd, I've really loved this little feast tonight," Neil says. He moves closer, scouts forward, dragging through the dust on the floor. His cheeks are rosy in the dark.

"Me too." Todd can't catch his breath. Can't wipe the stupid smile from his own face now that it's crept onto it. He's on fire inside.

"I've been thinking a lot, about well, a lot of things and I, um-" This isn't normal. Neil isn't ever speechless like this. Flustered like this. He pushes his hair back off his forehead and Todd resists the urge to reach out and do it for him. To even touch him, just to brush off him.

"These poems. The love in the poems. All the romance stuff, I know Mr Keating says it for wooing women but I-" Neil laughs shakily.

Todd's throat might have closed up. His stomach is weighed down with boulders. 

Their faces are almost touching. 

Todd reaches up and wipes his forehead with the back of his hand quickly.

_Kiss him Todd. Kiss him. Do it-_

"Jesus Todd! It's that time already! We've got to head back!" Neil grabs his wrist, (oh the pain of it) and stares at his watch. It's 2am. They've been out here much later than that during meetings.

Todd deflates. "You're right." He says. 

They pull back, scramble to their feet and kick aside the crumbs. Neil gathers up his book and coat. Todd grips his disappointment tightly to his chest.

They head back in silence. The moon watches them stride across the woods. The whole way Todd's heart is beating on and on and on and on.

_I've been thinking about well, a lot of things_

They sneak back inside Welton. The familiar sternness of the place greets them. 

_The love in these poems. All the romance stuff._

Todd lies in bed, staring at nothing. His heart echoes its lovesick thumping in his ears.

Neil lies down in his bed, fidgeting restlessly.

There is no sound but the wind blowing against their tiny window.

It's over. He was stupid to think he could do it. That Neil would want that, right?

"Hey Todd," A whisper in the dark.

His heart jumps.

"Yeah?"

"You wanna do this again sometime? Next week?"

Todd smiles at the ceiling.

"I'd love to."

A warmth settles over them, makes every cell in Todd's body tingle with excitement.

"Okay then. Goodnight Todd."

"Goodnight Neil."

Todd rolls over, grinning from ear to ear.

_There's always next time_

He falls alseep to the sound of Neil's snores

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it! 
> 
> Note: the poem Neil reads is an actual Tennyson poem, 'If I were loved as I desire to be.'
> 
> The food Neil brings to the feast is mostly taken from the Food Timeline websites picnic section circa 1950!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you can see I've updated the tags accordingly :)
> 
> Enjoy and stay safe!

"Carpe cavem, boys! Seize the cave!" 

Charlie announces grandly. He's throwing handfuls of raisins while Knox catches them and stuffs them in his mouth. Cameron puts his head in his hands with a sigh. Meeks produces an apple from his pocket, polishes it off and passes it to Pitts, who has been scrambling to catch raisins in his mouth without success. Neil is flicking through _The Four Centuries of Verse_ , looking for his next reading no doubt. 

Todd leans against the cave wall, watching them all, with a smile. He gets passed a box of raisins and half a cookie. Now Meeks is juggling four apples at once. Where did they even come from? 

"Let's start the meeting already!" Neil stands up, torch and book in hand. It seems like he's trying not to laugh at Charlie who, with a smirk, is sprinkling raisins into an oblivious Cameron's hair.

They all echo the opening invocation with gusto. Somewhere in the middle of it, Pitts almost chokes on his apple until Meeks thumps him between the shoulder blades. Of course Cameron finishes saying it last, looking determined to say it with the most precise pronunciation. Knox rolls his eyes.

"Here, here. Who wants one?" From nowhere, Charlie produces the pipes. They all grab for them. 

"Oh sorry, Todd. It looks like you've got the short straw. Cameron must have sold it, eh?" 

"I did not!" Cameron says indignantly, amidst laughter.

"Here, Todd. You can share mine." Neil's voice finds Todd amongst all the coughing and thin fizzle of pipes lighting. He takes the pipe from his mouth and holds it out across the cave. Smoke curls off, framing Neil's face. Maybe if Todd was a poet he would have some wonderful way to describe it, the beauty of it and the way it hurts him deep down in his soul, but his mind can't form words.

"Thanks." Todd takes the pipe, clamps it between his lips and takes a drag. The taste of Neil and tobacco fill his mouth as he blows a wispy smoke ring. He hands it back. Neil inhales, blows the smoke upwards to the hole in the ceiling, passes it back. 

"It's my turn to read!" Charlie gestures for _The Four Centuries of Verse_. He coughs out smoke with a flourish and beings reading from it.

Todd breathes in and feels his tongue burn slightly. He coughs into his sleeve, hands the pipe over to Neil who just puts it to his mouth with a dreamy smile. Todd's face is burning. 

It's been three days since their midnight feast. Three days that Todd's been a mess. He can barely concentrate in any class, even Mr Keating's. He doesn't sleep without picturing Neil in his head first, inches away from his face, about to kiss him. Neil of course, is Neil. He's perfect as always. Pays attention, answers all the questions right, finishes his homework and does extra study each night in their room at his desk. Neil's eyes have been shining bright since that night, or maybe it's just Todd's imagination. 

They haven't spoken a word about what happened. Or more like, what _didn't_ happen.

Their next midnight feast is in three more days. That's three more sleepless nights. Three more long days of nothing and everything all at once. But what if he's wrong? If this is just him being sick in the head? What will he do then?

Todd isn't sure if he can't wait for it to come, or if he doesn't want it at all...

"-And that, gentlemen, is dedicated to the one and only Mr Knox Overstreet." Charlie is saying, having finished reading. There's a round of applause and cheering and a groan from Cameron.

"My turn!" Pitts takes the book. They finish off the food in the middle of the floor. There's wild laughter and shouts and a wall of smoke for the rest of the night.

Todd meets Neil's gaze more than once. They don't speak but something huge and hungry blazes in Todd's heart. It's going to swallow him whole if he's not careful.

The Dead Poets Society laughs and reads and shares and lives deliberately into the night. 

Life is good.

***

"Psst, Todd!" Charlie is hissing, turning in his seat next to him. They're in tonight's chemistry study group and Todd's been nodding off to sleep the whole time. The others have their heads down, listening to Meeks explain something too complicated to ever understand. 

"You ever seen this Chris before?" Chris. Chet Danberry's girl. Knox is gone to the Danberrys house for dinner again, and he was more than certain he would see Chris.

Todd shakes his head. He hasn't. He can't imagine what Chris must be like, to have Knox in such a state. Then again, Todd knows the feeling all too well.

"I can't figure it out. I mean, all he does is talk on and on about her!I I thought _I_ was his best man, you know? Now he doesn't even look at me." Charlie sighs and folds his arms, half lying down on the table.

Neil is talking, in his confident way, making jokes with the others. How is he perfect? Does he know how much Todd admires him? The easy way he can be loved by almost anyone.

"Maybe if he wasn't so busy with Chris, I'd have a chance." Charlie mutters. 

Todd almost thinks he doesn't hear it right. Charlie? And Knox? His heart stutters a little. _Maybe it's not just him._

"Listen Charlie, I know-" 

"Quit your talking! Study!" Mr McAllister's voice sounds from somewhere at the top of the room. Todd startles. He almost drops his chemistry book out of his hands.

Him and Charlie put their heads down, with a shared sigh. A paper plane passes over their heads. 

"You and Knox?" Todd says under his breath. He opens his chemistry book, starts underlining words that might be important if he could understand them.

"Yeah," Charlie sighs, gripping his book so tight that his knuckles stand out, "What about you and Neil?"

Todd stops dead. His heart might have ceased beating completely. His throat is making some strangled attempt at an excuse, anything, even to just lie. His face is burning red hot-

"Listen, Todd. It's just how it is. Sucking the marrow from life. Living deliberately, all that, it's the same right. People like us," Charlie inhales sharply and lowers his voice, "There's nothing wrong with us, right?" His voice shakes a little. 

Todd shares the wave of fear and the weight of just sharing, "No." He shakes his head.

"Yeah. Yeah, there's nothing wrong with it. It's everyone else who's gone round the turn," Charlie waves a hand and shrugs.

"Do they all know? About me an- and-"

"You and Neil? Don't think so."

"You can't tell them, Charlie."

Charlie looks Todd in the eyes, he's smiling a little sadly, 

"Course not. You don't say anything about Knox and we're even right?" 

Todd nods. Charlie laughs, elbows him in the ribs.

"Cheers to that. You're a good one Todd. Never met a better man-"

"Mr Dalton! Silence!" Mr McAllister barks over the chatter.

They half heartedly go back to their chemistry books.

The terror that Todd's been carrying for too long eases a little. Now that he shares it with Charlie, it's almost become bearable. Charlie seems happier too, back to his usual obnoxious self. When they meet Knox on their way back to their rooms, Charlie shoots Todd a grateful look and hollers, "How was Chris? Did you see her naked yet?" 

Todd laughs with everyone else and turns into his room. Neil is already laying out more books to study. God, he's too good for Todd. Too good for anyone. He's like a dream come true. 

How is there so many ways to be perfect and all of them are here, in Neil Perry? 

Neil scratches his head with the end of his pencil and settles in for the night. The tiny lamp over his desk illuminates all that's good in the world.

_There's nothing wrong with it. It's everyone else who's gone round the turn._

Todd shouldn't be staring so he closes his eyes. Neil is humming softly. 

_There's nothing wrong with us, right?_

Maybe Charlie is in his own bed, in the room he shares with Cameron, thinking the same things Todd is, only with a different name. Maybe he's still up, spending the night trying to make Knox laugh. Trying to catch a glimpse of what he can't have.

The midnight feast is in two more days now. 

Tomorrow him and Neil will spend the night planning and plotting. What time to go. What food to bring. How to not get caught. 

Todd will spend those hours staring into Neil's face, like a pilgrim to a holy statue. Like it's too good to look upon.

Tonight, it's quiet. He can hear Charlie riffing more jokes outside and Neil humming to himself as he cracks open another textbook. Things are good like this. Content. Comfortable.

For tonight, it feels like enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Charlie and Todd are bi-gay solidarity bros.
> 
> Also lol sorry for added chapter build up but it ends well I promise
> 
> Thanks to everyone who has read and left kudos or comments so far!
> 
> PS sorry if the spacing is weird I'm still getting to grips with using ao3
> 
> :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!! Huge thank you to everyone who had left kudos and commented and subscribed and read this fic. Even the amount of hits had me so shook-- and this was meant to be a one shot originally lol
> 
> Finally some Todd and Neil time woohoo
> 
> Enjoy! And stay safe out there!

_It's Summer. Neil runs the youth acting class in town by day and at night he stars in the shows at the theatre and loves every minute of it. Todd goes to see the shows each time of course. Todd writes now, he writes all sorts of things, poetry and stories and dreams, and they get published in the local papers that arrive rolled up on the doorstep each morning. The two of them are happy together. No families telling them what to do or who to be._

"Todd?"

_Todd makes Neil his coffee each morning the way he likes it -two sugars and a drop of milk- and fixes his coat on the way out the door. They sleep as one unit, Neil's arms around him. On weekends the old DPS members come around: Charlie and Knox, Meeks and Pitts and sometimes Cameron too. They share a toast to living deliberately and everything is as it should be. Safe. Warm. Happy-_

"Todd? You asleep?" 

"Huh? What? I'm not-" 

Todd jolts back to reality. He's sitting in bed, facing Neil's side of the room.

"If you're tired, I get it. All that latin gets to my head too." Neil whispers.

Todd can hear the grin in his voice. Their room is plunged in darkness but if he squints hard enough, Todd can make out the hazy outline of Neil's face. His cheekbones. His chin. His smile. Like they were chiseled from stone, they're so perfect.

"Sorry," Todd rubs his eyes, "Daydreaming." He mutters, shaking his head at himself. 

"Ooh what were you daydreaming about? It must be something exciting." 

"No, it's stupid. It's nothing," It _is_ nothing. Neil will never be allowed to be an actor. Todd can't write. Where could they live together and be happy or safe? They couldn't. Neil doesn't love him anyway, "What were you saying?"

"Well, I was saying," Neil scoffs softly, "Would you prefer the chocolate or the iced cake slices for our little feast tomorrow?" 

Oh the feast. The reason for all of this. 

"Did we have the iced ones last time? I can't remember."

"You know what? I don't think we did. That's noted! Say no more! Iced cake slices coming right up!"

Todd laughs. They're ready, on the outside The torches. The time. The food.

On the inside...what did Neil want to say to him before? What about the way Todd feels like he's dying every time Neil smiles? The way Neil spends most nights awake, telling him about his dreams to be on the stage, when he would never have done that before?

_The two of them are happy together. They live together and everything is how they want it to be. It really is beautiful._

Todd sighs. He really needs to sleep. Chemistry first thing in the morning, he doesn't want to fall asleep and get extra work.

He also doesn't want to fall asleep during their feast. It's too important for that.

***

"Any luck?" Todd asks under his breath.

They all bustle down the stairs. Spaghetti tonight. Everyone's favourite.

Charlie shakes his head, "He's mad about her. It's useless."

They get to the dinner hall, wait in line to shuffle into their seats.

"Don't worry though, I'm working on it."

"Working on it?"

Charlie just winks, "Can't spill my secrets."

"What are you two whispering about?" Knox asks.

Charlie rolls his eyes, "Nothing you should be worried about, Romeo."

Knox grins. Shrugs. Is oblivious.

Charlie just winks at Todd again.

They say grace before meals.

Todd trusts Charlie knows what he's doing. The easy way he jokes around Knox, he doesn't even flinch when their shoulders touch when they sit down, doesn't let a thing slip when Knox ruffles his hair when he's reaching for his glass.

Maybe it won't work out. 

Charlie is singing some lewd song about a woman in Italy. The others were laughing into their plates. Knox's cheeks are turning rosy.

Maybe it would work out.

In his daydream it's always Charlie and Knox. The two of them together. 

That's got to stand for something right?

***

The actual midnight feast is just as unbelievable as it was the first time. The fresh fruit, the tiny sandwiches and the squares of chocolate. All sitting on Neil's coat, like they're waiting to be painted.

They've said the opening like they do at all meetings. It rolls off Todd's tongue as loud as he wants now that it's the two of them alone.

"And now, the star of the show! By special request for the one and only Todd Anderson! Ta-da!"

Neil is holding out two delicate slices of cake, coated in white icing. His smile is glowing.

"One for each of us." Neil adds, as Todd takes one.

It tastes like nothing else Todd has ever had. It's just a regular cake with a tiny spread of jam in the middle and packed in shiny icing. But he eats it with a smile, laughing as Neil eats his one and gets icing stuck to his face. It tastes sweet and perfect and completely magical. If only he could just save this taste, this perfect moment forever and ever-

"What do you say, Todd? We just live out here and survive on cake and poetry?" Neil finishes off his cake, popping a finger in his mouth to get the last of the icing.

_I think about that too. All the time. Just the two of us. You have no idea._

"What about money? How would we survive?" Todd asks, pushing the hope that's bubbling in his chest down. _We._

"Who cares about all that? We could just run away and not have to care about any of it. All the assignments. And rules and regulations," 

Neil shrugs, 'The others can come too, I guess. Knox. Charlie. Meeks and Pitts."

"And Cameron?" 

" _Fine._ If he _has_ to." Neil snickers into his arm. 

"What about your family?" Todd says and regrets it the minute it comes out because Neil's face darkens.

"Can I just forget about them? For one night?" He says, almost in a whisper, gathering his knees up to his chest,

"Between you and me," he continues conspiratorially, "I don't know what I'm going to do when I get of here. Of Helton," Neil scoffs softly, the way he does when he's nervous, "It's a big world out there. With no one telling me what to do every second? Living on my own? Sometimes I don't know if I'll ever be ready." 

_I want to be there with you. I don't want to be alone either. We could be there together._

"You're seventeen, Neil. I don't think you're _really_ meant to know what you want to do-"

"That's the problem! My father makes all my choices for me. When does he ever think about what I want? What I want to do with my life?" 

Todd doesn't know what to say. His family barely acknowledges his existence. Doesn't care what he does in his brother's shadow. He can't imagine what it feels like to be always watched and waited on. Always being ordered to do things. Never allowed to answer back.

"He doesn't even know me! The real me!" Neil wipes his eyes with the back of his hand furiously, sniffling, "All he cares about is making me become a doctor and I don't want...Todd? What is it?"

Todd is moving closer with every awful pounding of his heart, like his body isn't his anymore. His hands are clenched fists by his sides. He opens his mouth and all that comes out is an embarrassed stammer. Under his collar, he is burning so hot, he's like a human flame.

_Now isn't the time to tell him! You're being stupid! He's upset! Do something Todd!_

_I love you. I've loved you for so long. I want to help you. I want to be there for you. Just let me help._

"I wa-" Todd stops and wonders if he's going to vomit. Neil is staring at him, his face shining in the half light with tears. Todd clenched his fists, 

"What do you want?"

"What?"

"What do you want to do? If...if your father didn't tell you how to live your life?" 

Todd's heart is slamming against his chest like a bird in a cage. He can't say it. He can't.

"So many things," - the scoff Todd's come to love - "I want to act! And perform! To audiences, big ones, in the city! I want..." Neil's voice catches and he shakes his head quickly, "There's so many things I want. Things my father hates. Things I could _never_ tell him."

Todd sits down in front of Neil. Every atom in him is buzzing, being this close together. Neil's cheeks are blotchy and he sniffles again. 

"This is stupid. You don't deserve to hear all this stupid stuff, it's nothing-!"

Todd cuts him off with a hug. More like a rough tackle. His arms are tight around Neil's waist. Their knees are touching. He feels Neil exhale slowly and wrap himself around Todd, limb by limb, slowly squeezing back. His face is in Todd's shoulder as he sniffles.

"This is meant to be a midnight feast, not um…." Neil trails off with a sniff. He clings to Todd tighter. 

Todd runs a hand through Neil's hair quietly. He is shaking a little. It's soft, like he imagined it so many times. It smells nice.

Neil laughs shakily and pulls away.

Todd freezes. What did he do wrong? He's really messed it up now hasn't he? 

"What do _you_ want, Todd?"

Neil is crouched in front of him, with shining eyes. His hands grip Todd's shoulders tight. They're _that_ close to one another.  
Can Neil feel Todd's heartbeat pulsing through him? Can he hear his thoughts racing? Feel the _need_ eating him up?

"What I want? I...it's not-" What the hell. Does he have anything to lose? 

"I just...I-I want-" Todd takes a deep breath. The words won't come out. They just won't.

Todd closes his eyes.

_Seize the day._

Tomorrow everything will be like it always has. Todd will go to class like he does every day and try not to fall asleep. He'll whisper ways for Charlie to win over Knox. He'll listen to Pitts talk about the radio him and Meeks are working so hard on. He'll laugh along with everyone when Mr Keating makes jokes and groan when they get set assignments. 

Nothing will change. This isn't the end of the world.

Except it is.

_Seize the day_

"Can I kiss you?"

Neil's eyes go wide. Oh no. What if he says no? Runs to tell someone? What if I'm not good enough and-

"Yes."

Todd's palms cup Neil's face and then their lips meet. _He is kissing Neil Perry._

It's clumsy. Does Todd have his mouth open too wide? Are their teeth supposed to clink off one another like that? Why is he panting? Why are his hands frozen?

Neil tastes like cake icing. Like heaven and all things good in this world that he never knew could be his. Todd's heart is singing. 

He pulls away.

"Neil, I," He tries to catch his breath; their foreheads are touching, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, this isn't fair on you. I won't-"

Neil _sighs_ as he kisses Todd back. _Hard._

His hands are running through Todd's hair and tugging at his cloak. 

Todd's hands are frozen in shock, suspended in mid air. 

They kiss. It's wonderful. It's better than anything any poet could even dream of writing. 

Todd pulls back. He has to breathe after all. 

"I want _you._ That's all I want. I want you." He whispers it. Like something sacred. 

Neil laughs, _god he is perfect,_ and his hands lace through Todd's. He brings Todd's hand up and kisses it with a nervous grin.

"That's what you were going to say, isn't it? Something about...me? Us? Last week? About the poetry and all that?" Todd can't seem to raise his voice over an awed whisper.

"Yes. I didn't know if you felt like that. About me." Neil whispers as their noses brush against one another. He squeezes Todd's hands.

"I do. I really do, Neil," Todd let's the words fall out of his mouth, it's better that way, "I wanted this for so long and I didn't know how to tell you or if you were...you know…"

_People like us._

Neil smiles, "May I?" He kisses Todd softly. It's quick and sweet and Todd wants it to last forever.

They both laugh. A shaky kind of laugh, one that makes them feel relieved.

Todd rests his head on Neil's shoulder. He smiles peacefully. Warmth spreads inside him, like a balm.

"There's some food leftover. We'd better finish it off." Neil whispers.

Todd hums in agreement.

They spend the rest of the night in a quiet kind of just being. Sharing. Laughing. Full of a deliberate trade of love and life.

Todd is dozing off against Neil's shoulder, their arms around one another. Neil nuzzles against him,

"We do this again on Thursday?" He murmurs.

"Sooner?"

"Sure. We'll figure something out."

"And, Todd?"

"Something wrong?" Todd replies, sleepily.

Neil grins, "Nothing." He runs a hand through Todd's hair contentedly, "It's all perfect." 

They stay like that for a long time.

_Things are how they should be and it really is beautiful._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Todd and Neil finally!! Thanks for sticking with me everyone.
> 
> Hope you liked it! Let me know!
> 
> PS. If you want more Charlie Dalton-centric content, check out the next part of this series! A shameless plug...forgive me
> 
> :)


	4. Appendix

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just an appendix I meant to post when I finished this fic but I completely forgot and it got buried in a pile of google docs. So a little late but here it is! Just some notes and songs that's all! 
> 
> I hope everyone is staying safe! Sending virtual good vibes!

**Notes**

1.The foods that makes their appearances in the midnight feasts can mostly be found [here,](https://foodtimeline.org/foodpicnics.html#picnicmenus) from 1940-1950.

\- I did pick and choose things from different years before the actual 1959 setting because Welton is so traditional and it makes sense that the nicest food they have (which Neil *magically finds*) would still be considered a little dated.

2.The Tennyson poem can be read in it's entirety [here.](https://genius.com/Alfred-lord-tennyson-if-i-were-loved-as-i-desire-to-be-annotated)

-And an interesting fact: Tennyson [himself](https://www.victorianweb.org/authors/tennyson/jones1.html) was rumoured to be in a relationship with fellow poet Arthur Hallam for some time before Hallam died. So having Neil read one of Tennyson's, a possibly queer poet's, work was cool.

3\. Charlie's line, _"Carpe Cavem"_ is directly from the novelization of the movie by Nancy H Kleinbaum.

4\. At the time of Dead Poets Society (1959), the [Lavender Scare](https://time.com/5922679/lavender-scare-history/) had recently occurred. This was a moral panic coinciding with the Red Scare, that conflated gay people with communists, and alleged that they were a threat to government secrets. The scare resulted in mass homophobia and lead to more than 10,000 gay men and women losing their jobs. 

I didn't actually know about the Lavender Scare at all until I started doing some research into what life was like for lgbt+ people in the 50's. It was a very obvious scapegoating of lgbt+ people and must have been awful to live through. Charlie and Todd's shared fears of being discovered to be different are definitely inflated and made more visceral by the Lavender Scare that they would have living memory of. But there is resistance and hope! Todd ends up happy with Neil and Charlie finds self-worth with the very true assertion that there is nothing wrong with being different, even if society tells him there is.

*

**Music**

_Some songs I listened to while writing this fic._

[To Be Alone With You](https://youtu.be/rL5aRaXYl50) \- Sufjan Stevens

[Sweet Creature](https://youtu.be/8uD6s-X3590) \- Harry Styles

[Symphony No. 9 in D Minor Op. 125: IV](https://youtu.be/QsydEtCpY-U) \- Beethoven

[Can We Be Friends?](https://youtu.be/x8HyzA2XLwY) \- Conan Gray

[When I Fall In Love](https://youtu.be/GfAb0gNPy6s) \- Nat King Cole

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's all for now folks! If I think of anything else I'll add it here... 
> 
> Stay safe out there! And thanks for reading!


End file.
